living by accident

If you haven’t noticed, there aren’t any posts left on this page. The past is the past, the future is the future, and it’s all out of my hands. Not that I’ve forgotten everything, but I’m moving away from everything. I’m putting it all behind me. Giving it up to God to let Him sort it out. I’ve learned my lessons. I’ve grown to become a completely different person than I used to be and I’m laying it all down at His feet to do with as He pleases. Not that I ever strayed that far, but I did let my frustrations with the church take over my love and completeness that I found in God.

I guess this deserves, in some sense anyway, a bit of an explanation.

Earlier this year, I decided to forge my own path. I left my church because I just didn’t agree with some of the things that were happening, and started my search. But, to be honest, it wasn’t a spiritual search. It wasn’t something I did to become closer to God, it was a decision I made to be further away from the things that frustrated me. That made me uncertain with, and disengaged from, my church. It was a selfish decision. Not that my church wasn’t doing anything for me; I still loved my church and I still recommended it to everyone I met, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go.

Over time, I started to notice that, not only was I disengaged from my church, but I was starting to disengage from God, from family, from friends…everything, because of that frustration that I was letting propel me. I spent my whole life focused completely on work, politics and the election, and all the other things I needed to do that didn’t involve God. I was still spending time with friends, but there was no real bonding. Not that I think you need it all the time; sometimes it’s good to just relax, share stories and enjoy your time, but to never talk about what’s important, what matters most, is a bad place to be in. I’ve broken some commitments that I’ve made to myself, commitments which I’ve corrected and am back on the right path now, but they had been broken none the less.

So here I am, wondering how exactly to get myself back to where I need to be. Wondering if I can mend the friendships that I abandoned in a fit of self-serving dissension. I still have the people that matter most to me. I have my family, I have those friends that will always and forever be my family and mean the most to me, and I have my girls. And while it’s hard to grasp, I know I still have everyone else. It’s not them that left, it’s me that stopped putting in the effort that usually comes so natural to me. But I think it’s time for me to stop looking behind me and start moving back towards where I needed to be in the first place. It’s time to regain my life that God laid out before me. And I will follow that path, one step at a time.