living by accident | blurbs about life

Let’s give this a go…

Published on 5 August, 2008 in communicating and life. 0 Comments

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on this page. Two months to be exact. But to be honest, there really hasn’t been much to say. My life is becoming far less precarious than it used to be. I still run a lot and, yes, thus far I’ve been injury free (knocks on wood). I know that, in the past, this page was reserved for all the haste and turmoil of a life lived through absolute necessity and force. But lately, that hasn’t been the case.

I’m still in a job that isn’t what I’m looking for in my life, but my options are open. I have opportunities and I have motivation and vision and goals. I’m still living at home, but I don’t really mind it. I’m not sure what it will be like living on my own. I’ve never had to do it before. I still have my big, stupid van and, yes, I’m still planning on getting rid of it. I still have the same friends, even though I’m finding some of them to be better friends than others. I still make bad jokes at awkward moments, and I still have people that will laugh at them anyway. I’m still single, which is perfectly fine with me. I have no intentions of meeting anyone or even looking at anyone for that matter. My girls are still my girls. Still charming and adorable. Bubbly and full of a personality that shines as bright as the sun. Shanon is still Shanon…but I’m used to that.

I am, for lack of a better word, happy. There are still trials and tribulations and events that try my patience, but those will never go away. They’re always present and that’s true for anyone, no matter who you are. But they’re minor. They’re not life-damaging, they’re not distracting, they’re just there. And that’s fine with me. I went to a black Baptist church. That was fun. Everyone just hugged me and smiled really big. It was great. I ate sushi. Seafood is great, regardless of what you say. And pieces of fish, rolled up in rice, with a dollop of cream cheese and avocado is even better than you can imagine if you could just choke one down without nearly vomiting on the table ala Reid Lance. I have great conversations, I make friends, I give advice, I smile and I hope. That’s where I’m at. That’s what my life is right now. And while I’m devoid of drama, illness, injury and…well, crap, I still wanted to write about it. This is a space for me. For my moods, be they good or bad. And I wanted to share this moment of smiles and joy with you. I wanted to tell you that I am happy. That I am okay with the way things turned out. That, despite everything that happened, I’m still me. I haven’t really changed. And I wanted to say it in hopes that you would smile when you read it. That would be happy too.

The gossip trains a rollin in again

Published on 5 June, 2008 in lessons and life. 0 Comments

Here’s something I’ve noticed: some of us grow up and stop acting like children, some of us don’t.

Hopefully, I fall into the first category of people who think gossip is the bane of their existence. Hopefully, if you’re my friend, you fall into that category as well. But the simple fact is, I have too many friends to really be very hopeful of that fact. And today was a prime example of how rumors get started and how people live to be an unwelcome part of your life. Not all of the gossip was about me, nor have I done anything to put myself in the middle of it. Somehow, however, I find myself, bags packed waiting for the gossip train pull into the station. Read my last blog, because it all starts there.

A week ago exactly, probably even to the minute, I’m at the grocery store doing some late night adventuring. I run into this girl Becca. I know Becca, but we’re not really friends and I did some design work for her a year or so ago and thus explains the extent of our friendship. I see her, she sees me and we have a brief interaction while standing in the aisle and she agrees to take a stab at my head. Not literally, I mean, she agreed to give me a haircut. So a couple days later, we’re chatting, she’s attacking my quaff with scissors and turns out she’s best friends with Drew’s girlfriend. So we’re at the same party last weekend and we talk and catch up a little bit more.

So, upon our short conversation, it turns out she’s also a runner. She challenges me to a race coming up in about a week and I accept the challenge. We exchange some competitive jabs, and leave it at that. This was a week ago mind you. We’ve messaged back and forth, but it’s been minimal and it’s mostly just announcing our 4-mile times to see who has a better chance of winning. So today begins the barrage of messages and phone calls and putting out gossip-fires all over town. First, I have this friend, er, acquaintance. I have no idea what she is, but she’s always in the middle of everyone’s business so we’ll just leave it at that. So she see’s a picture of Becca with some guy and sets the wheels in motion that Becca’s cheating on her husband with this guy (yeah, I forgot to mention that Becca’s married). Not true. So now that that’s not true, she hears that Becca cut my hair and automatically starts calling all of my friends to tell them that I’m dating a married woman. Also not true. I mean hell, Becca and I have never even hung out! How could we be dating?

So then I start to get the phone calls. I don’t actually find out about any of this until Becca calls to tell me, at which point we had a good laugh and just kind of said “eff it” to everyone who can’t seem to find enough of their own lives to obsess over. But nonethless I had to fight fires all day. This crap won’t blow over either until something better comes along. But in the mean time, I’m just going to act like a grown up and let everyone else suffer through this without me. I don’t have time for it anyway, nor do I really care to be involved in it. So, once people notice I’m letting the gossip brush passed me like a cool spring breeze, I start hearing about everyone else’s crap. It makes for a humorous day.

So here’s what I decided. There are only a few simple rules to life, besides the obvious (don’t steal, don’t kill, don’t be a dick, etc…). But in all honesty people, grow up. I know our generation seems to exist solely to indulge in other people’s business, hence all the reality TV and a world revolving around this whole “I’m special” attitude, but just stop now, okay? It’s only your business if it directly pertains to you. The in’s and out’s and the little intricacies of everyone’s lives should be left up to their better judgment who gets involved. Don’t just shove your way to the front and assume that you’re the be-all, end-all of what needs to happen. The simple fact is, the people I know that gossip, are the people with the most shit to deal with in their own lives. Maybe it’s a way of projecting, maybe it’s a way of avoiding, but whatever it is, it’s a childish and irresponsible way to act as a friend. So now that I’m done shouting from my soap box, I’ll just leave it at this: if you have gossip, keep it to yourself. We’ll all be much better off without it.

I live for these moments

Published on 1 June, 2008 in friendship, life and love. 0 Comments

There are times in all of our lives where we can look at the moment that we’re in and know that we will never forget it. Moments where we can be certain that no matter how insignificant it might be, the impact and the feelings are stronger than anything else in that moment. And tonight was one of those nights where it seems like the world stopped moving. Like time stood still and you were left floating in an eternity of joy and laughter.

As I sit here and write this, I realize that it might just seem like rambling. It’s late, I’m tired and my body is moving slow. While it may have seemed like time stood still, the clock continued moving and now I’m feeling rather sleepy. But I couldn’t let this moment pass without sharing it with everyone around me. There’s something special about these moments. Tonight was a night of making new acquaintances, getting reacquainted with old friends and smiling at the knowledge that you’re sharing in the shining moment of happiness with the people you love. While nothing overly exciting happened tonight, there was this feeling of contentment in the air. This emotion that filled the space around us that, no matter what happened, nothing could take this moment away from us.

I’ve had these moments before. They’re rare, they exist only briefly and then life returns to forge on it’s path. But life and brevity can never take away the memories of a night like tonight. It reminds me of those times when you were a kid where it seemed like there was no stress, no trouble, life was just a journey of experiences and understandings and furtive feelings that existed solely for us to feel pleasure. Those times that we all wish we could go back to because life just seemed better then. Tonight was a night of reminiscence. Tonight was a night that we will all look back on and remember as a time when life just seemed better.

There was a time where we were sitting around the fire, sharing stories in the intimacy of our company. Drew and Beth, Nate, Becca and myself, laughing and smiling and, dare I say, flirting (at least I was). Learning so much from the little things that make us all unique and even more so worth loving. Playing catch in the gravel drive with Justin, telling stories of our lives, the triumphs of our accomplishments and the lessons in our defeats. Walking away with a hug, a smile and a look that makes you realize that what seemed like a simple conversation was full of depth and impact that you’ll never forget. Knowing that, just as a shaken up bottle of soda is supposed to explode all over you, but ends up all over the person responsible for it’s explosion, that God still loves you more than your nemesis. And driving home with a peace and contentment so great that you realize there is still life to be lived, memories to be made and people to share in your joys and laughter.

Today is Drew’s birthday. But, to me, we all received a gift tonight. We all received the gift of each other and, if you’re anything like me, time is a treasure worth keeping. Things break. They can be replaced, they can be forgotten. But moments only exist once, and the memories that they create can never be replaced or thrown out. And even though the world spins on, sometimes time really can stand still.

Reminders

Published on 28 May, 2008 in Random. 0 Comments

So I’m a forgetful person. Anyone that knows me has just come to accept that fact. But I’ve decided that I’m not forgetful so much as there’s so much insignificant stuff in my head that there isn’t anymore room for the important facts. For example, I can tell you almost all of my friends birthdays including people I haven’t seen or talked to in nearly a decade, the most random phone numbers and even people’s addresses (yes, with zip code). But I already forgot once that there’s a certain something going on this weekend that I can’t mention in case a certain someone decides to read this.

But, like all people, the power to remember is usually driven by visual clues or certain smells or sounds. Little things, completely unrelated to anything, might trigger an onslaught of memories and flashbacks. This has been happening a ton recently, so I figured I’d list them out here in hopes that maybe I can get them out of my head so I’ll remember to go to that thing on Saturday. These things remind me of so many different events and happenings and feelings and they’re all right here to make no sense to most of you anyway.

Cupcakes
Forgetting where I parked my car
Remembering where I parked the car, but then turning on the wrong road still and walking 3 blocks in the wrong direction
Chipotle
Starbucks
H&M
These “birds of a feather” plates that I keep seeing on my new favorite website
A photography book at Barnes & Noble, aptly titled “Love”
Dizzy
Explosions in the sky
Good music in general
Bad music, actually while I’m thinking about it…
Karate (don’t ask)
This napkin that Nadia drew on that says “I love Dad” with a heart because she saw a napkin someone else drew and wants to be just like that person
Hearing Nadia say really adorable things and texting my friends to tell them about it
Nadia (hard to explain)
My knee brace that I stopped wearing when I run
My collection of shoes
TGI Friday’s delicious Jack Daniels chicken strip appetizer thing
TGI Friday’s deliciously sinful peanut butter pie
Ordering water…no matter what else is on the menu
Blogs
Threadless shirts
Dressing well
Having very feminine mannerisms (I’m not afraid to admit it)
Flowers
People speaking Polish like you’re supposed to just understand
Little asian kids with ridiculous anime haircuts
Colorful eye makeup (no, I don’t wear it)
Footprints on windows
GPS systems that talk to you and say the same thing over and over and over and still missing your exit (yes, I did that)
My big ugly van
My moms car
Toms car
These stupid Toyota SUV’s that are everywhere I look and I never noticed them before (why are they all black anyway?!)
Almost getting hit by a car again (try and figure that one out)
Journals
Haribo Gold Bears
The little tiny road next to my parking lot at work
The smell of “Big Sexy Hair” shampoo which I recognize from miles away
Mexican cooks (sorry if that offends you…)
Chicago style hot dogs (which I’m still scared to try)
Nashville, TN
Downloading music and then posting it online to share with everyone else (don’t sue me…please?)
ipods, macbooks, photobooth and all the other great things that apple makes
admitting that I finally enjoy apple products and grimacing because I know I’m about to get made fun of for it
*cough* NOT GETTING BIRTHDAY PRESENTS
Sophia’s goodnight phone calls
Red Robin
The sound of someone texting while you’re still on the phone with them
ENORMOUS amounts of text messaging (sorry to all of my replacements who are getting barraged with messages)
Those really retarded beds that have air for mattresses and you can inflate and deflate them, but no matter what, they aren’t comfortable
Bunk beds, which are surprisingly comfortable and enjoyable to be in even though they don’t have air in them
Voicemails

And that’s just the beginning! But I got a good handful written down and I understand that a lot of them won’t make any sense to anyone but me. But the simple fact is, I’m human. We all have these little areas in our brains that remind us of fonder times and happy memories. These are just some of mine. I could go on for days with all the things that bring amazing memories trickling back to the surface of my mind. But like I said, these are amazing memories, not sad ones. Not holding on to things that bring me down, but remember times that lift my spirits.

And memories they shall remain. And no matter what, there is always room in all of our minds for new ones. Just remember to always hold on to your little sensory clues. You never know when you might need to be reminded.

Oh, Holiday…you’re so great.

Published on 26 May, 2008 in communicating, friendship and life. 0 Comments

note: It’s been a while since my last post. Sorry. I’ve just been struggling to decide what to write and what to keep to myself for a handful of different reasons and, in turn, have written a good collection of thoughts, without actually posting anything at all. But hey, it happens.

Today had all the trappings of a fantastic day. Got to hang with the girls for a bit? Check. Sunny? Check. Went for a run (in a wife beater no less…and yes, I’m aware of how embarrassing that is)? Check. Smoothies, shopping for new clothes, Jimmy Johns sandwiches with avocado…and did I mention sunshine? Check, check and check…and yes, you mentioned it. A whole slew of text messages to my friends, both drunk and sober? Check. That adorable blond at Barnes & Noble who gives me a handful of fleeting glances from over the top of her macbook before realizing that my “pooping paint tubes” shirt puts me in a sub-par caste than her? Check. Not to mention the fat old guy, wearing suspenders no less, holding his book in a way that makes people question his sanity and then laughing huge, guttural belly laughs in a way that solidifies their suspicions? Check. Good conversations with the people I love and seeing them smile and laugh as we talk? Check…wait, no…huh? Face to face conversations? Now I’m just confused…

And so it is that I’ve come to realize that the extent of all of my relationships exists solely on a 2 inch by 3 inch lcd screen. Not seeing them is one thing, but to not even have an actual voice conversation with them, that’s a whole other ball game. It only proves this turn of events when you check my most recent phone bill from the passed month: 6,100 text messages, yet only 208 minutes used on my phone. 208! Compare that to the nearly 8,000 minutes of talking per month in the high of my Ali days just the month before. That’s a 97.5% decrease in the use of my ears! I must say that I’m equally impressed as well as saddened by this fact.

Considering that I have a personality that thrives on relationships, it’s a wonder that I haven’t gone completely mad yet. Not that I’m becoming secluded, I’m just becoming more of an “introspective extrovert” I suppose you could say. I’ve had the invitations, the requests of my company and I keep turning them down. I’m becoming selfish with my time. I work, which is a necessity. I run, even though it hurts, I’ve puked, my feet have bled and I’m pretty sure I’m about due for a prosthetic leg. But that’s not really a necessity, it’s just becoming more of an unhealthy obsession. I go to Barnes & Noble to read. Again, not that important but it keeps me from having to involve myself in shallow conversations with even shallower people (except for when I run in to annoying people who suck up all my time trying to be philosophical, but somehow miss the mark) or having to sit at home, twiddling my thumbs and sacrificing my vision to the glare of a computer screen.

And, maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I’m becoming far more antagonistic of people as of late. Not negative, I’m still me. I still smile and I still indulge in jovial chatter about the recent events of peoples lives, while avoiding any real discussion of my own, just like always. But it just seems as though the worlds perception of relations is on the decline. Everywhere I turn, all I hear is gossip and inquisitive questions about things that aren’t the inquirer’s business. People trying to be nosy and get in everyone’s business and I just don’t want any part of it. Toss that in and mix it up with an unhealthy dose of my own friends and their newfound awkwardness towards me (some of them, not all of them), and you have the trappings of one interesting situation. And while it’s not entirely worth avoiding, I still get easily annoyed and distanced when people can’t work through their own issues and fulfill a normal relational role. That’s not to say that all of my friends have gone the way of the stranger, just that, as we get older, our lives get more involved and complex. People start to get busy, move on, move away or just start life.

I’m not saying all of this in a “woe is me” sort of way. I just spent the entire day, a holiday no less, wondering why all of my real relationships seem to be flittering away. I wonder if it has anything to do with me or if I’m just over analyzing things like I always seem to. Either way, I’m finding more and more that all of my friends seem to be in the same dilemma. We’re all losing touch with each other. Failing to connect on any sort of real level because we put the mundane tasks of every day life in front of the more important adventures of love and friendships. Going through our motions efficiently has taken the place of having a meaningful conversation, where we can look each other in the eye, gauge the reactions of our comments, laugh and hug and have real, human interaction. Where have those days gone? When did typing about 150 characters at a time become a valid way to make a real connection? We should all work on this. Before we forget what it means to be friends, to love. In the end, how we spent our time with each other is the only thing that will matter.

A letter to a friend

Published on 20 May, 2008 in faith, friendship and love. 0 Comments

Our last real conversation that we had, five days ago now, is still with me. While I remember every conversation we have, there was something significant that you said this past time that I can’t seem to shake. You voiced your frustration with your relationship with God. This sinking feeling that He’s not there with you, not talking to you, not guiding you in your path.

I know, at the time, I reminded you that God only blesses us when we live our lives in a God honoring way. And I still stand by that fact. But over these passed five days, the thought of what you said just keeps circling my mind like satellites around the Earth. And it wasn’t until I started to think from a different perspective that something clicked with me. I don’t know that this will come out exactly as I mean it, but regardless, I wanted to say it.

You handle almost every situation I’ve experienced with you in the same way: you always look for where God isn’t. I know that might not make sense, so I’ll try to explain. But I remember, from all of our previous conversations about family and friendships, love and relationships, that there seems to be this ever-present dilemma and none of it makes sense to me. See, we both believe in the same God. He’s not a God that comes around, performs a couple of miracles and then goes back home. God is everywhere. He is in everything. He exists in all of the elements of our every moment and lives and breathes in all of our fleeting thoughts and dreams. We have an Omnipresent God.

So if God is everywhere, and in everything and nothing in this world exists outside of Him, then isn’t every moment and every experience a “God experience”? And I find that, with you, as you pick apart every detail of your situation, you start to analyze where God isn’t in the situation with such scrutiny, that you don’t realize all the places that God is in your situation. You’re missing out on the God experience because you’re too busy finding a way to prove that it’s not a God experience. You put so much emphasis on the negative, that all of the God-sent, positive aspects of it flitter away without so much as a passing glance. When we try to put God into a box, we miss out on all that He is outside of what we can imagine. God can use every situation for good and for His will. Every situation, regardless of how “unGodly” we believe it is. God is in it. God is there, it’s just not always obvious.

And this letter comes with no challenge, no ultimatum, no expectations. It’s merely an observation. As I sit here and analyze the choices that you make and the way you handle things, both in relationships and the way you handle your life, I see all the ways that you let your scrutiny of God get in the way of some amazingly positive experiences. The way that your desire to find where God isn’t, has caused you to push people away from you that God placed in your life for great reasons. For amazing things. And as much as I wish I could tell you how to fix that, I can’t. I can only do my best to try and remind you that God is there, whether you notice Him or not. That God loves you and that God is with you and that God cares for you through all of your highs and lows. He will be there for you long after the rest of us are gone. He will never leave you, He will never think less of you and will never stop loving you as if you were His own child. And I think when we start to realize that that same God, the one that has a love so deep for all of us, is always there with us, in everything we do, the sooner we’ll start to see all of the ways in which God exists in our situation. All of the ways in which God exists in this love and these friendships and that family.

Never forget that God is love. Never forget that God is there, waiting for you to turn to Him, with open arms. Never forget that God will put special people in your life to help you through every situation. We all have our battles to fight, and God never intended any of us to fight them alone. God is here. God is with you. God is with me. God is with us and in all that we are and all that we can ever be. But sometimes, God just waits patiently for us to find Him. Because seeking Him is loving Him. Looking for God in everything is true devotion. And God will honor that until the end of time.

Take care of yourself, Love. And know that I am always here when you need me.

To do it all over again

Published on 17 May, 2008 in Random, humorous and lessons. 0 Comments

I know, “two blogs in one day?”, look at me go. The one I just posted though I wrote a while ago and just never posted until today. Had you actually read it, you would’ve realized that already and not asked such a silly question. But, and this is just for the sake of argument, it’s technically the next day anyway seeing as though my computer clock tells me it’s post-midnight. Oh, and if you can’t tell already, I’m feeling rather daft tonight. So just to warn you, my evening has been spent thinking and speaking rather satirically. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do.

So I ran into this friend of mine tonight who’s feeling a little down on his luck. Can’t imagine what that must be like at all. He started talking about how differently he would live his life if he had the opportunity to do it all over again. I listened intently and gave the best advice I could muster, but all the while, the only thing I could think was “is it really worth your effort to think about changing the past?” We can’t change the past. We can only let it make us or break us (cliche, I know). But following his train of thought so closely, I couldn’t help but wonder what I would do differently.

If I could do things differently, like really differently, like jump back 10 years ago to when I was a senior in high school, I would punch myself in the face for thinking that having long hair was a relevant statement to make. And after that, I’d punch myself again for not caring about how I looked. Then, with my newfound facial wounds and a renewed spirit for self-respectful attire, I would proceed to change my name to something “European” sounding, like Argo Grazen. But I would pronounce it Gracen, and constantly get pissed off at people for pronouncing it wrong. But when I corrected them, I would say it exactly the same way they did, just more irritated sounding like that one really stupid skit on Saturday Night Live. Then, after about five minutes of convincing them they’re saying it wrong, I’d go off on a tirade about how “middle class America” doesn’t seem to understand that not everyone dumbs down their speech and it would end with a statement so irrelevant to the topic that people would wonder if I was completely with it.

But the whole time, I would mumble so no one could understand me and when they asked me to repeat myself, I’d roll my eyes and walk away with such disdain. That’s the kind of stuff you do when you launch your own eponymous fashion label. Which is exactly what I would do, but I use the term “fashion” rather loosely because I’d really only design tiny, unusable wallets and other intricately designed and rather bizarre accessories. And, being in fashion, my main goal would be to sell my overpriced objects to the masses, but continually bitch about people buying my stuff because they’d be “disgracing all that is pure about my art.” Something completely new to me.

Then I’d move my whole operation to New York, but I wouldn’t have an office, I’d have a “studio” and would never live in an apartment because a “loft” is so much more urban chic. Then I’d proceed to hire about a dozen people, none of whom are related, but who all have a remarkably uncanny resemblance to yours truly. And every day I’d invite them into my office, for no real reason, only to make them feel intimidated and uncomfortable. I’d have a desk so big, but with absolutely nothing on it, that you can’t help but feel the distance weigh on you like an iron plate on your chest. And I’d sit comfortably in the biggest chair you’ll ever see. Like 10 feet high and 5 feet wide. It would serve no real purpose in being that big, I would just surely have an ego that would justify it by that point. I wouldn’t do any real work either. I would just criticize the work of my handsome employees and smile crudely at the young female interns before berating them for their horrible taste.

And when we finally did get a line launched, I’d throw a lavish launch party. I’d invite a million people, but I wouldn’t let anyone in save for a couple of random pedestrians found walking down the street. And when the anticipation couldn’t get any higher to see the product, I just wouldn’t show up. Not because I’m mysterious, but just because I don’t really care. But that wouldn’t stop me from letting the plethora of people take home their goody bag, which, coincidentally, is just a used grocery bag. But it would be the one that still has the receipt stuck in the bottom of it, clinging statically to the non-recyclable plastic, so they at least felt like they got a prize. And I would openly shun the press, but at the same time I’d seek it out like some teenage celebrity media whore. I’d constantly book interviews, get myself in front of the camera and then just not say anything out of disgust for American Media. I’d just make fun of the interviewer, mumble a lot and then throw up on live TV.

After all the fun and games was over, I’d announce my retirement, but then continue to come back season after season with new swag to show around. Constantly “reinventing myself” to make me seem more appealing to the wayward changes of the upcoming youth culture. You know, the ones who can’t really afford to spend $284 on my tiny wallet, but do anyway to make themselves feel like they’ll be more appealing to the rest of society who really just doesn’t care about them anyway.

Doesn’t that sound thrilling? I figure if we’re going to go back and change the past, why not do something radical? And, by “radical,” I mean “ridiculous.” Because, let’s face it, wasting time and energy trying to change the past, is like cutting down trees and using giant, pollution spewing, gas powered machines to build wind farms in an attempt to be more “green.” In the end, the results are the same: it’s still your life. Either get used to it, or focus on the things you can control. Like what it will look like in the next decade. And, more importantly, how it ends.

“manologues,” not “monologues,” because I’m a guy.

Published on 17 May, 2008 in communicating and lessons. 0 Comments

I decided to take a break from the normal slew of deep thinking and have a little fun with some inner battling that I’m doing. In my head, I’m constantly fighting with myself and it’s part of the reason why it’s so hard to conjure up a complete thought. So I figured I would just stop trying for a day and put it all out on paper. I wrote this earlier in the week, but didn’t know if I should post it or not. In the end, I figured I just didn’t care. So I decided to post it to show you what my mind looks like. And, I promise, it’s not as long as it looks. I know how much long blogs annoys you.

With so much going on and so many different things to consider in so many different areas of my life I finally felt the need to talk to people outside of my circle and get some other ideas and some better understanding of my options. I have these two friends that constantly argue with each other and I figured they’d be the perfect match to discuss these different areas of concern. On the one hand, my friend Sam Daugherty (1) is always a positive thinker. Constantly seeing the upside and always looking passed the obvious and into the heart of the matter. This guy is great, but my other friend Sam Daugherty (2) thinks he’s just a little unrealistic and naive, bordering on logically retarded. I figured “what the heck” and invited them along for the ride as we debated out the issues.

Moderator: Let’s start with some baby steps here and hit on a topic that’s still up for debate. Sam’s thinking about going back to school. You both know the situation, but he still wanted to hear what you guys had to say about it.

SD1: I say go for it. I mean why not? He’s not happy at the job he’s at because, let’s face it, the guy was meant to be a teacher! Plus, he can still go to ISU in Bloomington and commute from Peoria if he needs to that way he’ll still be close to the girls.

SD2: A teacher? He obviously has quite the propensity for graphic design. He mentioned the art institute in Chicago has a great program for Advertising for the Fashion Industry. Look at the guy: he’s artistic, creative, has a new love of fashion apparently and-

SD1: Who are you kidding? If he enjoyed being a designer he would like his job better right now! So you’re saying, even though the guy is obviously made to teach and speak into the lives of people, that he should sit in front of a computer all day?

SD2: I never said I thought he should go back at all! Let’s look at the big picture here: The guy is 28 years old, has a good job and is already settled into his life.

SD1: Hardly! He WAS settled into a life, but that’s obviously gone! This is a new opportunity! A second lease on life that a lot of people will never get!

SD2: Whatever. He has a good job, he has the girls to consider and going back to school is only going to make it harder for everyone right now. I just said the art institute would be a better choice [air quotes] “if he decides to go back to school” because it’s in Chicago. There’s nothing here for the guy! There are more jobs there, more things to do, it operates more at his pace and I think he could really use a change of scenery for a while. Not to mention the plethora of single girls there to help get his mind off of “you know who.” But all in all, it’s a risk that I just don’t think the guy needs to be taking!

SD1: Risk? Don’t you think it’s a greater risk to keep himself going down a path that isn’t very fulfilling for him?

SD2: Nope.

SD1: Plus, how’s it going to take his mind off of “you know who” if he’s IN CHICAGO?! Did you not think that through?

SD2: Dude, it’s Chicago. There are a whole slew of better girls there than her and Sam’s bound to find one of them.

SD1: Don’t even get me started on her. You obviously don’t know her very well if you think that.

Moderator: Actually, how about we do talk about that? I believe you’ve dubbed her “you know who” from what I recall. So let’s hear it?

SD2: I have one word for that matter: goodbye.

SD1: Well, it’s nice to know you’re apathetic enough to just write someone off. I think he should bide his time. Focus on his life and enjoying it, but don’t give up hope just yet. She’s obviously something he’s quite good at.

SD2: [air quotes] “Something he’s good at.” What the hell does that even mean?!

SD1: What are you blind?

SD2: What? Who said that? I can’t see you!

SD1: [rolls eyes] Cute, douche. Look, all I’m saying is that they’re obviously a perfect match and why waste his time searching the world for someone better when it’s pretty clear that person isn’t out there?

SD2: Hahahaha….Oh man. Haha. [sighs] Man, that was good.

SD1: Oh what now?!

SD2: You think she’s the cream of the crop?! That girl can’t even make up her mind what she wants for dinner, let alone what she wants for the remainder of her life! Plus, and not to be mean, but she could obviously give a shit about him. Do I need to send you the link to her blog to read her little apology again? She’s just using him to make herself feel better and personally, I’m tired of seeing the guy suffer through that. Her love and affection don’t stem much farther passed herself. Deal with it.

SD1: I don’t think she’s using him. I agree, she’s obviously a little confused, but, dude, she’s 18! I’m not saying he should marry her right now at all. That would be stupid. She has a lot of growing up to do before-

SD2: Well, she’s off to a good start at that whole “growing up” thing, huh?

SD1: Can I finish?

SD2: Whatever. Just explain why, in your imaginary world, she’s not using the guy…

SD1: Look, she obviously loves him. I just don’t think she knows what to do about it. She’s a girl, which means that her whole life she’s imagined what things are supposed to be like. Sam probably isn’t what she expected, but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just different than she imagined. There are a lot of things God wants for our lives that aren’t what we imagined! I mean, look at Abraham! That guy was ancient already and God was like, “Here you go, buddy. Here’s some kids. Sorry you’re so frail, but trust me, you’ll be fine.” So when it comes to Sam and Ali, he’s the guy she pictured herself with, she just doesn’t know what to do with what she found. I mean, what would you do if everything you’ve ever wanted in a person showed up on your doorstep and went, “let’s do this”? You’d be confused as hell too! No one ever expects to get what they want! I think God went, “Okay, Love. You want what you want? Here you go. Sorry you’re not at a place to trust what I’m doing, but eventually you will be and, trust me, you’ll be fine.” I understand that she can’t quite grasp the thought of it yet, but what kind of guy gives up on someone he loves?

SD2: A smart one. Look, that sounds wonderful and all, but let’s face it, she doesn’t love anyone! She’s just reaching for straws, getting some action anywhere she can get it and keeping Sam in the picture in case nothing else works out for her. That’s called “using someone” and you should probably realize that by now. So should he. It’s not like it’s a secret, man! She freaking told him that herself! And Ali hears all kinds of stuff from God. None of it matches. So let’s not even go there!

SD1: She’s told herself a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean she believes any of them!

SD2: Oh grow up, man! You’re clueless!

Moderator: Okay guys, seriously, can we reign this in a little bit?

SD1: Yes. Sorry.

SD2: Fine.

Moderator: Any final arguments on that subject?

SD1: Don’t give up. Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. How many times has he told her that very thing? They’re perfect for each other, she just needs to figure some stuff out and take command of her own lifeboat. She’s smart, funny and determined. All of her strengths are all of Sam’s weaknesses and vice versa. They’re each others perfect compliment to their own personalities, in all the best ways. They obviously speak each others love languages like no one else in this world can and I don’t think she’ll ever find a guy like him no matter how long she searches. All these other guys are just going to be settling for second best at this point. I think she’s going to realize it eventually and do what she needs to do to make it happen for the two of them. Sam’s not going to settle for second best, but Ali might not be able to recover from some of the possible outcomes of the choices she’s making. But that doesn’t mean that Sam should just give up and walk away now. Just take a step back like he’s doing and be there for her when he can. I say stick it out and, and this is my opinion here, but maybe even pursue her! Show her who he is to her and who she is with him and fight for what he wants. In the end, it’ll be the best thing he could’ve done for her.

SD2: Not that those aren’t good points, but that’s not really what’s happening. And pursuing her is just wasting energy on a person that isn’t worth anyone’s time or effort! I mean, yeah, he’s being there for her when he can, but he’s also not a toy. He’s not something you play with when you’re bored and then throw in the closet when you’re not knowing he’s going to be there when you’re bored again. I’m not saying give up no matter what. The point I’m getting at is this: She should either be in his life or not, but she needs to make up her mind and stick to it for once. And if she chooses to stay, he needs to be guarded and not get at all close to her…emotionally or physically, for a very long time. But, let’s be honest, she’s not going to stick around and wait for him. I think she proved that already. And seriously, stop counseling the girl, man. She’s obviously not listening or caring what he has to say. If she goes, he needs to block her number and do whatever he can to make sure she literally can’t contact him. Because, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, and she’s going to realize all those things and try and call him again. I just don’t think he needs to be a part of the life of someone who’s pulling the kind of crap that she’s pulling. My final verdict? Give up, man. You’ll be better off in the long run.

Moderator: Well, you both make good points. How about we wrap this up with something a little light hearted? What’s with this new habit the guy formed of dressing better? Did you both know that he got rid of a ton of his old clothes that he doesn’t wear anymore? What’s the deal here? What happened?

SD1: Well, it’s obvious. The guy hit a rough spot a year or so ago and lost all motivation to exercise at all. He gained some weight, not that he was big at all, but bigger than he usually is, and didn’t care about how he looked. The guy just lost over 30 pounds, he needed new clothes! Nothing he had fit him anymore.

SD2: I mean, on some level that’s true, but come on…the guy looks at fashion magazines at Barnes and Noble and is starting learn how to sew! Be gayer.

SD1: Now you’re just being rude. Can you make a valid argument at all? Honestly?!

SD2: A valid argument? Obviously the guy isn’t doing so hot. Shopping makes him feel better. He buys clothes that fit well, even though he doesn’t care about fashion, because he thinks if he looks good, then he’ll feel good. But at the end of the day, he’s still going to bed alone without seeing or talking to “you know who” again. Nice clothes do not make the man. Nor will they cheer him up. Besides, it’s the only thing Ali…err…”you know who” gave the guy that she can’t rip away from him! Talk about holding on!

SD1: Alright, I can at least see how you might think that, wrong as it may be, but he’s doing good. He’s a pretty positive and happy dude. I think, you’re on to something, I just think you have it backwards. I think his outward appearance is a reflection of the inner joy he has.

SD2: Oh yeah…good call, clown! Is that why he listens to sad break up songs half the time and cheesy love songs the other? The guy wants to be loved, and dressing nice will only help that cause!

SD1: You have a hard time seeing passed the surface don’t you?

SD2: Nope, I just have an easier time being realistic. You, on the other hand, obviously have no clue how the world works. But keep it up, smiley! Eventually people will just think you’re retarded and then you’ll have an excuse to be clueless. [smiles and winks]

SD1: [stares blankly for a minute] I hate you.

SD2: Thank God! Does that mean I can stop talking to you now?

Moderator: Yes, I think that’s a great idea. I think we can call it quits. Thanks for your input guys. Whether or not our friend Sam will take your advice is another story, but either way, it was good to get some outside opinions on the matter. Have fun, people.

So that’s pretty much the constant battle of wits that goes on in my head. My own inner “manalogue” that won’t let me sleep at night. I hope you had fun reading it, because I had fun writing it.

And the world spins madly on

Published on 14 May, 2008 in hurt and love. 0 Comments

As the first hum of “Umbrella’s” began to emanate from my headphones, I felt my heart move quickly from my chest to that uncomfortable place somewhere in your throat. I felt my thoughts start to dance around my brain to the melody of that song and the first few lines seemed to resonate somewhere within my soul. And I don’t know if it’s my lack of sleep, my smoothie diet or just the fact that I exist because my heart hasn’t changed and continues to beat just as it has for the passed several months, but I know that my mood quickly changed from bad to worse.

See, this passed week has seemed rather dismal. My highs and lows seem to blend together in such a way that it becomes hard to tell the difference between the two. And these passed few nights, my highs and lows seem to coexist within the same set of minutes and I’m stuck wondering what’s going on or what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m making great strides in the area of self control and will power. My days are filled with stories, both mundane and hilarious. But only hilarious to me now. Stories that I keep to myself because no one will laugh like we laughed. No one will find such life in something so irrelevant as we do. And, even though I still have my good listener, I’ve been choosing to keep my stories for myself. And I don’t really know why.

But as this song plays out in my headphones, and I stare out the front window of the cafe, I find myself stuck. My heart beginning to beat somewhere outside of my rib cage, my mind begins to wander, and my magazine no longer seems that interesting. “Give me your hand, it’s time. It’s time to show new eyes their home.” And a song that I used to think of as merely a beautiful song now reminds me of the dreams that I once dreamed. And all of the bitterness and negativity starts to fade. These austere thoughts that I’ve held on to so tightly are now gone and I begin to feel myself become vulnerable again. Open and willing. Then, lonely and a little bit scared. And I changed the song.

I’m realizing that my stubbornness in our conversations is for no reason other than self-preservation. Other than to hold on to what little dignity I have left, keep my head held high and know that, on some level, I’m still in charge of my own life. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t still wonder. That I don’t still dream and that, somewhere, hidden away in some dark corner of my mind, you can find that piece of me that still believes, that I hid there out of necessity. And while I wonder why the storms keep coming like they do, I’m reminded that God is still God, and that sometimes, it rains when we need it to the most. And while I know that these storms will only bring a renewed spirit of who I am inside, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to become a ray of sunshine in the darkening life of the person I love the most.

I remember calling Bobbi tonight because I knew, if I didn’t, I’d end up calling someone else. And I can’t say I don’t enjoy our conversations, but I know they’re nothing more than distractions. But sometimes, I just need a distraction. I need to hear someone else’s stories, read about someone else’s life, so that I can get to a point of being able to dream new dreams. Even though I keep my mind filled with the wonders of just how great this life truly is, these surreptitious thoughts still seem to creep in. These visions of a life that would begin with a song so perfect and so relevant that I can’t think of a more perfect way to express it. And I can still see that dream so clearly, so vividly, that I almost believe it’s still possible. That I can still feel the warmth and the love that would fill the room on that day and last a lifetime there on after.

But while I’ll never get rid of this cornucopia of amazing dreams, I will continue to push them into the dark corners of my mind where my imagination seldom wanders. And I will continue to fight these cravings that I have for my Cakes. To taste something so sweet again, forgetting how bitter it really is in the end. And I will continue to convince myself that my Love is fictitious. That who I saw, never really existed. Because I believe in fairy tales. And to think that mine will still come true will only hold me back. Much like the gracious heart of a daughter that I’m forced to protect, my own heart needs to be guarded. Because nothing can hurt my heart more than you…and me.

Let’s fight

Published on 13 May, 2008 in growing, lessons and life. 0 Comments

I read this great article today about how “life is war.” Is it true? Maybe. I don’t really know to be honest because we’re all different and we all look at things through our own individual perspectives. But, right or wrong, it got me thinking, as dangerous as that might be. If life is war, how will we react when we hear the battle cry?

I got some news today that someone is having a baby. Not anyone I know, but someone very close to someone I used to be very close with. Her pregnancy should not effect me. But it does. Because it makes me remember. Although I wasn’t the one carrying the baby, our situations seem to correlate with one another. Our lives seem to mirror each other, at least from the little I know of her. And I found myself feeling a varied assortment of emotions for this person I’ll never meet.

I remember when I first heard that we were having Nadia. I was 21 years old. I thought I had it all together, but who was I kidding? I still lived at home, worked for what I needed, but didn’t need much. I was still in school, studying to be a teacher, but mostly just enjoying all the pleasures that my life could bring me. Shanon and I had barely been dating for a few months at that point, but we seemed a sure fit. We were young, on top of the world, set in our ways and ready to face anything. Then reality hit. And I remember sitting in my room, Shanon across from me on the bed, crying. I sat there as the emotions circulated through my inner most self and realized that I didn’t have a clue how I was supposed to feel. And when Ali told me that Jessica was pregnant, all those feelings came back and my heart broke for this person I don’t know. I’ve seen pictures, I’ve heard her voice in the background of conversations, but no formal introduction. She knows who I am and I know who she is, and thus is the zenith of our story.

So why do I care so much? Why am I sitting here, trying to think of ways to be an anonymous encouragement to a person I don’t know? But I feel it in my heart to reach out and do whatever it is I can for one simple reason: I’ve been there. When you think of bringing a child into the world, you have these dreams about how great life will be with this new person, half you, half someone else, but all yours and fully deserving of all that you are. And it seems perfect. But that perfection can quickly disappear when you’re faced with a situation that you realize you aren’t prepared for. Your plans no longer seem relevant. Your life no longer seems on track. And, what should be a joy, becomes an anchor in our vision for our lives. Because you find yourself crying, feeling like everything leading up to this must have been a mistake and that your life will never be the same. Something so amazing, so Godly, so ripe for happiness, has become a burden and a fear.

But sometimes, the greatest gifts in life, are the ones we least expect. I remember when I hit a point and realized that everything that happened from that point on was still up to me. That my ship was sinking and I could either save it, or drown in it. But either way it was my choice. It’s in these moments of adversity where we realize just what it is that we’re fully capable of. Just what it is that God has instilled in us. What, at one moment felt like an anchor, can now be a driving force in our life and give everything we do meaning and substance. And so the battle begins.

While not all of us will have to experience what Jess is feeling right now, the story is the same. The metaphor of our fight still fits with the lessons that we all learn through the trials of life. That the outcome of any experience, is tantamount to the effort that we put in it. We’ve all been there in some form or another. We’ve all found ourselves in situations where we’re faced with the decision to fight, or to perish without effort. To take a stand when we’re backed into the corner, or to put up our hands and give up. To stand up for what we believe in, or to sacrifice our wants and beliefs for the ease of surrender. It’s in these moments that we learn the most about who we truly are. It is in these moments where we all find our strength.

I’ve said it before: strength has nothing to do with instinct or ability. Strength is simply the faith that we have in ourselves to persevere when it seems like we’re fighting for the inevitable. When it seems like all that we have can never be enough to scale the mountain of problems that we face. So, and I believe this with my whole heart, if Jessica is half the person her sister is, she will, in this moment, realize just how strong she truly is. And I will keep her in my prayers, and I will keep her in my thoughts, and I will sit and rest assured in knowing that she is capable of handling anything this world can throw at her, and be victorious in a life of war. And she will do it with such aplomb that the rest of us will wonder how it could ever have been that easy.

But, in this moment, my heart still breaks for her. Maybe I should send her some flowers…